Matthew's Journal

OK, so today is another bad day. I'm not quite sure why, or what brought it on, but anyway. Maybe I'm just over-tired, and not used to seeing no-one all day. I don't know.

I'm sitting here doing nothing. I've done nothing all day. I have a *mountain* of stuff to do, none of which is getting done. So, I hate myself over not doing it all.

But I'm really lonely too. I'm thinking bad things about myself and some other people, and it's all wrong. I know that killing myself is not the answer to anything, and despite how I may lie there thinking about walking downstairs and finding one of the bigger kitchen knives, I really don't think it's going to happen. But the cool calmness with which I contemplate slipping the blade between the correct pair of my left ribs alarms me sometimes (and I know I've been here before). I guess it's my mind finding the ultimate displacement activity of all. Maybe that's why I'm on IRC all day - the illusion of company. Perhaps theres some relationship anxiety too; that all seems doomed too, but perhaps for no reason at all other than my generaly doom-ness today. I'm trying not to think about it all right now, and to get myself into a state where I can do an RSC rehersal tonight.

I can't go on having days like this, though - the TODO list will not go away...