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Have you ever felt completely and uttery shafted? That you're screwed no matter what you do? That it's all so flipping inevitable? Then you have some idea of what I'm feeling now.
There is no way I can look over, never mind learn, all the subjects I'm being examined on tommorow (never mind thursday's papers). Even if I work at it all night (which no doubt I'll end up doing), there just isn't the time to try and read notes from this number of lectures. So I must try, and nearly destroy myself from lack of sleep in the process, knowing full well that when the results come out in a week and a bit's time I'll have failed, and the last two years of hard grind, tedium, blood and shit will have been a complete waste. I'll be just another science graduate, with a couple of wasted years lost against my peers who graduated and went out and got real jobs. Of course, this is nicely self-furfilling, since the overwhelming despaire is almost paralysing - I sit down to work, and it's just too depressing to look at the volume of stuff I must do before I can sleep tonight. It's all so futile.
To cap it all, there are other things I have to get done too, other things to occupy my time when I should be working (ignoring a minute the distractions that I engage in to try not to go completely barking). I have to book a room for a speaker meeting I don't even want to go to, because the rest of the committee can't be bothered to get off its collective arse to do anything without me having to scream at them or hand-hold them all the fucking way. Sorry, I should point out that one member of the committee did establish that their college had no suitable rooms.
And no, it doesn't help that I should have started earlier when I was seeing practice, that I shouldn't have got myself elected as chairbeing, that I should have been working instead of trying to sort out the house, or anything like that. It's too late for remourse now, only time for despair and anger and pain. And the inevitable panic tommorow, and the shame of having to tell people I've failed.
There is no way I can look over, never mind learn, all the subjects I'm being examined on tommorow (never mind thursday's papers). Even if I work at it all night (which no doubt I'll end up doing), there just isn't the time to try and read notes from this number of lectures. So I must try, and nearly destroy myself from lack of sleep in the process, knowing full well that when the results come out in a week and a bit's time I'll have failed, and the last two years of hard grind, tedium, blood and shit will have been a complete waste. I'll be just another science graduate, with a couple of wasted years lost against my peers who graduated and went out and got real jobs. Of course, this is nicely self-furfilling, since the overwhelming despaire is almost paralysing - I sit down to work, and it's just too depressing to look at the volume of stuff I must do before I can sleep tonight. It's all so futile.
To cap it all, there are other things I have to get done too, other things to occupy my time when I should be working (ignoring a minute the distractions that I engage in to try not to go completely barking). I have to book a room for a speaker meeting I don't even want to go to, because the rest of the committee can't be bothered to get off its collective arse to do anything without me having to scream at them or hand-hold them all the fucking way. Sorry, I should point out that one member of the committee did establish that their college had no suitable rooms.
And no, it doesn't help that I should have started earlier when I was seeing practice, that I shouldn't have got myself elected as chairbeing, that I should have been working instead of trying to sort out the house, or anything like that. It's too late for remourse now, only time for despair and anger and pain. And the inevitable panic tommorow, and the shame of having to tell people I've failed.
depressed
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